ALSO WONK! TELL DOOM ABOUT WONK.
ALSO WE ALL HAVE SCHOOL.
BUT! DOOM'S NOT A SENIOOOOOOOOR
HERE'S MAH STORY NOW PARDON THE LANGUAGE TAKES TOO LONG TO CENSOR IT
CREEN PANS IN ON CHRISTIAN BALE
BALE: That’s right. I’m the goddamn Batman.
SWITCH TO MORGAN FREEMAN
FREEMAN: And I’m goddamn Morgan Freeman, but that doesn’t mean I brag about it. Now, back to the current situation. What are we going to do about the public opinion on you? I mean, they f***ing hate your a** after admitting to killing everyone. You could’ve just blamed everything on Two-Face.
BALE: Because…
DRAMATIC SCREEN SHOT
… I’m a super hero.
FREEMAN: More like a super dips***, amirite?
SCENE SWITCH TO A DARK ALLEYWAY, WHERE SEAN CONNERY IS WALKING ALONE. SUDDENLY, HE IS ATTACKED BY A MUGGER
MUGGER: Give me all your money, and nobody gets hurt.
CONNERY, WITHOUT SPEAKING, BEATS THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF THE MUGGER BECAUSE HE’S ALSO SEAN CONNERY. ALSO, IN THIS MOVIE HE’S THE PENGUIN BECAUSE HEATH LEDGER O.D.’D SO THE JOKER CAN’T MAKE A COMEBACK. I WON’T COVER IT IN THIS EXCERPT, BUT MAKE UP AN EXCUSE FOR THE JOKER’S DEATH, LIKE MAYBE SEAN CONNERY KILLED HIS A**.
CONNERY PICKS UP THE MUGGER’S AK-47 (ROLL WITH THIS) AND STROLLS OVER TO A JEWELRY STORE, THE GUN CONCEALED IN HIS FLOWING OVERCOAT. HAVE COSTUME DESIGN MAKE IT A ROYAL PURPLE, PLEASE.
PAN BACK TO BALE.
BALE: I sense a disturbance in the force.
FREEMAN: S***, this movie is going to suck.
BALE: No, it’s not. I’m the goddamn Batman. Also, you’re Morgan Freeman.
NARRATOR (TRY TO GET ONE OF THOSE ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE SOCCER COMMENTATORS): Little did the goddamn Batman know, but in this movie, Sean Connery is… THE PENGUIN! DUNDUNDUN
PAN TO RACHEL DAWES’S GRAVE, CONVIENENTLY MARKED TO INFORM THE AUDIENCE OF THIS FACT
BALE: I’m the goddamn dips***. Why’d I have to save the one prick who tries to kill me for it? Harvey Dent is an a**h***.
FREEMAN: You’re such a pu***.
BALE: Why are you following me, Lucius? Alfred isn’t a d*** like you are.
FREEMAN: He’s too old for this movie.
BALE: Bulls***. You’re like a billion years old.
FREEMAN: Too bad I’m goddamn Morgan Freeman.
BALE: Touche. (WITH AN ACCENT IN THE FINAL VERSION)
SCENE CHANGE TO CONNERY, GARBED IN VARIOUS BLING. THE POLICE ARE HELPLESS, JUST LIKE IN ALL CITIES WHERE SUPERHEROES RESIDE. TOO BAD THE DIPS***S NAMED BATMAN PUBLIC ENEMY #1.
SHOW POSTER NAMING BATMAN PUBLIC ENEMY #1.
GORDON (I CAN’T FIGURE OUT WHAT SHMUCK YOU HAD PLAY HIM IN THE FIRST TWO MOVIES): I wish Batman wasn’t Public Enemy #1.
RANDOM POLICE OFFICER: Too bad he is. Man up, sir.
GORDON (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING): But what if… what if he wasn’t?
SAME OFFICER: He is, sir. It’s confirmed that he killed Harvey Dent. And what a fine politician he was.
GORDON: There’s no such thing as a fine politician.
SAME OFFICER: Touche. (THIS WILL ALSO HAVE AN ACCENT LATER ON)
SEAN CONNERY NAILS THE OFFICER IN THE HEAD WITH HIS AK.
GORDON: S***, forgot we were busy fighting an armed robber.
SUDDENLY, THE FANTASTIC FOUR APPEAR. ALL ARE PLAYED BY MATT DAMON.
DAMON(x4): Never fear, the Fantastic Four are here!
GORDON (COLDLY): YOU GUYS AREN’T IN THIS MOVIE.
MATT DAMON SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTS. FOUR TIMES. SEAN CONNERY ESCAPES THROUGH THE ENSUING FLAMES.
GORDON: Goddamn, I’m a worthless character.
BALE (APPEARING SUDDENLY): Yeah, you are.
GORDON: Oh, hi Batman. Can you come with me to the police station? I really need a raise, and I think bringing you in would really give me an edge over this other d***. He’s b*ning my wife, too, so I really need to beat him out in this job opening or I might completely lose her.
BALE SMACKS GORDON. GORDON STUMBLES BACK IN SHOCK.
BALE: Just like that. Just smack the b****.
GORDON: So… you’re letting me take you back in?
BALE: F*** no, dips***. (CHASES AFTER CONNERY ON THE BATMOBILE, WHICH FLIES IN WHILE JOURNEY PLAYS).
GORDON PRATICES A FEW AIR-B****SLAPS.
NARRATOR: WILL THE GODDAMN BATMAN CATCH SEAN CONNERY? OR IS HE A PU***, JUST LIKE MORGAN FREEMAN SAID? FIND OUT IN… BATMAN 3: HOW TO MAKE CASH OFF A SUCCESSFUL FRANCHISE WITH ZERO EFFORT! COMING THIS DECEMBER
