I’m not really sure where to begin with this, but I’m hoping that if I put my thoughts down on paper, it will make me feel better or sort my feelings out. Right now I feel like my life is either in a rut or shambles or somewhere in between. What you’re about to read is very “First world” and I’m aware that there are more serious issues out there, but I’m still being affected.
I should probably start with where I started feeling myself dip into depression. As of right now, I work in a factory (I know, glorious) and we are in a serious situation when it comes to staffing. Seems like no matter who we hire, they always leave within a week or two and I end up being the one who gets to pick up all the slack, because I’m the senior worker. Only been there 6 months by the way if that says anything. With all this extra work landing in my lap, I’m having a hell of a time staying motivated knowing that tomorrow is just going to be the same old song and dance, but with more steps to the choreography.
Though what would get me through the day is a combination of the cool people I work with (not my bosses, they eat ass) and knowing I get to see my girl when I get home. But today I find out that one of the only people who really make my day bearable is leaving, once again dropping all of his work in my lap. I’m basically being given a management position with no training or extra pay. So the extra work and losing a work friend had me down, but I was ready to come home and see Tanner (my lady).
So what do I come home to today? Nothing bad like cheating, but the house is a mess and the dog had gotten into the trash while she was asleep. She works nights, so her schedule is to sleep all day while I’m at work and we hang out once I get home until she has to work at 9. So I go through and pick up all the messes, like I do every single day, and go to wake her up. But today she is feeling especially tired, so she wants to sleep instead of hang out with me. That’s fine, I understand not wanting to hang out every day. It’s cool. But she tells me that she got me something for christmas, and wants me to open it now. “Cool!” I think, “something that will get me out of this foul mood.” So she goes into the closet and pulls out my present. It turns out that it’s a really nice, expensive camera. I’m appreciative, obviously, but I have literally no interest in photography whatsoever. I don’t know why she thought that it was something that I wanted. Considering I was already lethargic, it didn’t take much for me to be let down and push me deeper into it. Now my mind is racing. I googled the camera and found out it was $250, which is expensive for our budget. All I can think of is the things I would have rather had that money for. Like the bills that she never helps with. I mean she helps with groceries every once in awhile, but even with that she spends like 100 a month on them and spends the rest of her money on stupid shit like Bath bombs and pokemon games. So now I’m frustrated with her for spending money on something that I don’t want or need, instead of helping around the house or with the bills. “Whatever...I’ll cook this dope meal that I have been planning for a few days.”
So I spend the next hour and a half cooking Lemon chicken, on a bed of cheese tortellini with a homemade parmesan sauce. Shit was hard to make, ok? I’ve never made lemon chicken and didn’t know how to marinate it...Off topic, but still.
So I finish and go to wake her up again. Well she comes out and takes three bites, tells me she doesn't like it, and goes back to bed, leaving me to not only clean up the mess, but throw away all the food I just made. Shit was bomb by the way. At this point I’m basically a wreck. I’m honestly not sure how she didn’t notice, which also makes me feel bad in retrospect. I figure maybe SL would get my mind off things. Give me a chance to shoot the shit with a few friends and brainstorm some cool ideas that will never get put to use. Though that’s wishful thinking, because the moment I log on I’m bombarded with stupid fucking arguments that are literally pointless. Shit that makes this game a chore opposed to a fun pastime. So I’m already at a low point and the one escape I have leads me into more shit. Now my only urge is to either bite the bullet or swallow all the pills I have under my sink, but I resist and lay down in bed with Tanner to just...rest. She wakes up and asks how I’m doing. I said Biiiiiiiiiitch...JK...but I wanted too. So I said fuck it and told her that I was feeling really depressed. I was expecting some words of encouragement or something to try and help me out of this, instead she gives me a kiss and said “Well I gotta go to work. We can talk tomorrow.” And she leaves... So here I am sitting in my dark room writing to a bunch of people who probably don’t give a rats ass about me or my problems. But after 10 years of playing a game where I have to write everything down, this has become my outlet. I just...what do I do? Anyone got literally anything that can ease my mood?